I loved American Girl dolls growing up and I was THRILLED when my daughter began to love them too. We started with a Bitty Baby, then she began playing with my old dolls and finally received her own. We spent her 6th birthday at the American Girl store in Chicago. There is just something about watching a child get lost in play that is truly magical. I love that playing with her dolls does that for her every time. I could listen to her play for hours and I have to admit—I do love playing along too.

After shopping at the store, we began receiving the American Girl catalogs in the mail. About a month ago, she became super interested in a horse and stable set. My January birthday girl has a while to wait for another birthday and despite the number of times she circled the set in bold, black pen, her birthday wasn’t going to come any faster.

She loves to be helpful and I frequently give her tasks and jobs to complete. She’s always proud of her work and she has been saving the money she receives. Occasionally, she makes small purchases and I’m always impressed with how thoughtful she is when using her own money. Last week, we counted her money to see how close she was to buying the horse and stable set. While she had quite a bit saved up, she still has quite a ways to go. My husband is a former math teacher and when you have educator parents, everything is a lesson. We jumped right in to show her the math of how much she still needs to save.

After putting her to bed that night, my parent/therapist/teacher brain started spinning. How could I be intentional about helping her earn the money while teaching her valuable skills? She’s been great at completing small tasks, how could I take that a step further?

I decided to create a chore chart and added a point system to earn money at the end of the week. Still, I wanted to be sure that I was intentional about this and not only providing incentives, but giving her the valuable “why”.

Some things to think about when teaching tasks and new skills:

1. Be ready to be explicit. Explain, demonstrate and give examples. Take time and create a space for dialogue. Let your child be comfortable asking questions and be patient as you answer them. Share the space and elevate the child’s voice. Be aware that you may have to explain and remind as you establish new routines. Consider setting a reminder (phone alarm, sticky note in a strategic place) if needed.

2. Provide opportunities to practice new skills and give feedback on tasks (we’ll get into the feedback piece in a bit!). If you have a quality or quantity expectation for a task, ensure that the expectation is clear and has been demonstrated. If the task has multiple steps, consider breaking it down into smaller, more manageable parts or prompts. This can help to facilitate independence and reduce confusion.

3. Connect tasks to their benefits and be descriptive about it! Give specific praise, rather than general praise such as “good job!”. What did the child do well and what benefit will that carry? Help the child connect the task to a larger purpose or benefit. This helps avoid creating a transactional experience and establishes the “why”.

4. Feedback is key! Act like a sports announcer and focus on showing and describing, rather than telling or criticizing. Let the child make mistakes and self-correct, or ask for the child’s thoughts on how to fix something. Ensure that tasks are appropriate for the child and something they can do and see success with. Feedback teaches, guides and supports.

5. Build in opportunities to teach self-management skills. When reviewing the chart with my daughter yesterday, we discussed her plan for the evening (go to tumbling class) and what needed to be done on the chart. She really wanted to jump on the trampoline. We discussed how that aligned with completing her tasks– it would mean she would need to complete her tasks much later. I let her weigh the options and decide. As she grumbled a bit while completing the chores that evening, we talked about her ideas for being less tired when completing tasks and making sure she had enough time. I didn’t give her the answer, but I wanted her to consider how prioritizing tasks and creating a schedule that works best for you is valuable.

6. Review progress often with the child and take some critical looks at what is working well and what isn’t working well. Don’t be afraid to change things up or offer additional support to the child when needed.

Being intentional and reflective when teaching new skills can build your relationship with the child while providing them with valuable opportunities for growth and success.

When we dive into systems work for creating sustainable cultures of wellness and resiliency, it’s important that we begin with some intentional reflection and an examination of our practices. Let’s look first at the role of caring in our classrooms and school buildings. In general, the idea of “care” could refer to several things—showing appreciation, recognition, lending a helping hand, holding space for tough emotions, etc. Caring can be broad. Because the umbrella of care can be so broad, it is important that intention and responsiveness accompany caring gestures and caring support. When we think critically about the practice of caring for others and even caring for ourselves, intention doesn’t always equal impact. Sometimes the impact a practice or gesture has doesn’t align with our intentions—it is important to consider that everyone wants to be cared for differently and different emotions or situations may call for different types of care.

During a mindful moment, pause and consider how you like to be cared for. Does this change depending on the emotion you feel or the situation you experience? What types of care don’t feel comfortable to you? Does this change depending on the person, emotion or situation? How does this connect to the way you care for yourself? What messages (both verbal and nonverbal) do you send when you may need care?

Leaders, think about the questions above and those you support. If someone in your building may require care or support, do you know enough about that person to provide care or support in a way that is responsive and intentional? Are you building systems that allow you (and others) to provide support and care?

Teachers, consider the questions above. When your students need care or support, how do you use the relationships you’ve built to give support that meets their needs?

Follow up your own reflection by considering types of support or care that may still feel uncomfortable to you. Understanding your own boundaries and areas of growth is just as important.

Now let’s move into how we get there.

First, let’s acknowledge without assigning. This means we acknowledge what we’ve observed that has led us to a caring conversation without assuming the emotions or situation behind it. This includes avoiding statements like “I see that you’re upset/angry/sad” or “I saw you had your head down so you must be feeling tired today”. The truth is, we can’t predict or assign emotions for others. Using “I notice” and “I wonder” statements can help us share our observations without judgment or assumption. We could say “I noticed that you had your head down in today’s meeting. I’m wondering if you could use some extra support today.”

Next, create and hold the space for the person to share their thoughts–and recognize that it’s ok if the person doesn’t want to share. The important piece here is to listen without interrupting, problem solving or sharing your own thoughts and experiences. Creating and holding space is about setting and maintaining a safe and open environment.

Finally, if you’re in a position to give support or you feel the person may need support or care, express appreciation and validate their experience. “Thanks for letting me know. That sounds difficult.” You can also reflect their emotion and summarize what they’ve shared to be sure you received the message as intended. “You’re feeling really tired today because you have a headache and didn’t get much sleep last night.” Express a desire to provide support or follow up. It’s ok to say that you’re not sure what they may need. “I want to support you. How can I be the best support right now?” If the person isn’t sure, offer to follow up later or provide a suggestion. “I’m wondering if I could support you by…..”. Again, it’s ok if the person isn’t in a space to receive your support. You can still move forward in an empathetic manner.

Taking the time to care intentionally and responsively contributes to a culture of wellness and resiliency. We do our best work when we feel safe to share our experiences and struggles and when we feel others support our growth. Normalizing moments when we’re not at our best or struggling with something difficult allows us to feel seen and heard and combats toxic positivity. Moving through these moments together is the core of social-emotional learning. We’re naming and validating emotions and fostering resiliency together.

The message of self-care and wellness for our teachers is certainly admirable and much needed, but it’s time to move beyond these messages and begin examining how our systems support and sustain wellness and resiliency. Let’s create systems that allow our teachers to attain holistic wellness, as opposed to a narrowed focus on professional wellness or “being their best for their students”. While we always want our teachers to be at their best in the classroom, we have to first create systems of wellness and resiliency that provide the structures our teachers need to feel as though their wellness outside of the classroom matters too, and that wellness is really a personal thing–we want them to feel their best because they deserve to feel their best. And not for anyone else—just for themselves.

This is systems work. We can’t expect our teachers to heal in the environments that caused harm in the first place. We can’t continually send the message of wellness and resiliency and put teachers back into systems that don’t support wellness and resiliency long term.

To begin, let’s look first at the role of joy, celebration and appreciation in our schools. Hold space for moments that show appreciation, gratitude and the power of connection in meaningful and intentional ways. Consider how we can grow this message and make it a part of daily practice.

A culture of wellness and resiliency must be continually nourished. Think of this like a spiral and consider how we can reinforce, build and grow practices over time. Further, let’s take some critical looks at practices that may damage our culture or negatively impact wellbeing.

Start to make wellness and resiliency the norm. This may mean we have to be vulnerable with ourselves and vulnerable with others. Foster safe spaces that allow for the practice of wellness strategies.

Dig into the data and make the necessary changes to remain responsive and proactive on this journey. Creating a culture of wellness and resiliency should be like other school improvement processes by examining data, setting goals and creating strategic plans that focus on implementation.

Schools with Heart takes an approach to school improvement through the lens of social-emotional learning, trauma-responsiveness and equity. This approach examines culture, climate and wellness as the basis for growth and achievement while layering in supports and sustainable systems to create and maintain healthy school communities. Please reach out to learn more about Schools with Heart can support wellness and resiliency programming and structures in your school or district!